Yoga as Base

I am so lost, I don't even know how to find myself...

Where stillness and silence is needed, I find compulsivness and movement.

Where sypmathy and understanding are desired, I am silenced by myself.

It comes to this, time and again...missed opportunity, to experience release in relationship.

The effort to release always comes a day late and a dollar short.

Once again, I find I evade myone self...right now, yoga is the only thing that brings me back to myself, to some sort of footing, where at least, I can start facing myself again.

Life became somewhat uncontrollable recently and then, my mental faculties began to spin out in me.

On the heels, of touching the sweet spot of a tender bloom, I walk on the verge of my dark abyss.

Where I was able to finally, finally taste life, like for the first time, I delve myself into the darkness of me. The darkness that overtook me for years, years on end.

So short of a time, have I experienced my own inner light, that to play with fire again, is not only deadly, but cruel.

To even find words again, is like honoring a return, for which I did not even know why, the desire had left.

And that is life my friends. When you are so in it, that you cannot even see how you are losing yourself, until you are engulfed in someone else's life. And when you are not to them, as they are to you, and your world seems small and vunerable, based on every move they make.

This is life. When you finally stop editting yourself; every word, every move, and you just live. You fall painfully in love, to someone who will never quite love you. Or you invest so much in someone, you habitually fall into some sort of love habituation with them, that you lose yourself there too.

Why, when someone brings light into your life, laughter, appreciation, and invigoration, why then, must they also be the keepers of gloom, anger, exhaustion?

Why can't I be the one, who is in control of me, no matter where I am in relationship with someone deeply.

I have spent my whole life, seeking out relationships that would be protective and mutual. I have done pretty well.

Little have I cared too deeply for someone, to have them turn me away.

I see why, though, I see why.

It is not because I don't want to risk in relationship, it is because I only know to risk too much and the pain is so great.

I will not say it is better not to risk. I will only say, I wish I knew how not to lose myself in the risk of giving and wanting.

Without any further anylization of my own thought, this is where I stand, this is what I think . I hope to find a way into honest and deep relationship, knowing how to keep myself near.