Same cycle, larger circle

I don't know why I think I am so different from everyone else, but I do.
Life is getting way to superficial for me right now.
I am fantasizing about talking about the words that choke me to someone.
I swear, if I could just say this, maybe it will be out of me, maybe it will just let go of its' hold.

I am choked by my own tears.
Fear that drives my every move.
I have deceived myself, to think otherwise.
Comfort is deceiving. It lets me stay in this place
where I am never really challenged, except in a safe and comfortable way.
I am never challenged, there is not the "selective disadvantage" that spurs
me to push back on life, on myself.

Jay says he does not question himself, he doesn't do that.
That is a fundamental difference between he and I, I don't have such confidence.

What have I ever done, that I can take pride in.
Where have I ever claimed and goal and accomplished it.
Life has popped by and now, I am so aware, so aware that time is precious.
It is so precious that every week that goes by, every day, I am pained by my
place in the world.

Troubled, troubled is my mind and my soul.
I come back to the most tender, vulnerable, angry place that is me.
I can't speak to anyone, I have only tears for these years that I have fought for nothing.
Twelve years of an eating disorder and four knee surgeries later, I have amounted to work.
All my hard work to overcome has just been to get me to a place of normalcy.

And now I have to face my real inadequacy's.
Things that seem insurmountable,
they are deep rooted disability's that slap me in my face
and tell me I can't....and I believe them.
Why wouldn't I, I have never disproved the theory,
I have not yet run the race.
My journey is one of solitude, I walk alone in this world.
Why do I feel so alone, though I have friends, they are scattered.
I feel so alone and only more so when the darkness beckons and winter lengthens these nights.

Of course the lens stops here, I don't offer hope from here,
I know not of it.
That is how I feel, deep deep down, nearly every day now,
no hope, what is there to look forward to, I do not know.

This is the circle enlarged, I am lost and the map of lostness is the same as before, a little more sophisticated, a little more deceiving.
This is the circle.