I might start by mentioning that I am in the process of moving.
In the interim, I am living with my brother and sister-in-law.
Consequently, my stuff is semi-strategically spread between my old house's basement,
my car, and this little downstairs room I occupy.
I would love to wear diferent jewelry than that I have been wearing for the past week,
but I don't know where my baggie full of necklaces nor my scattered array of earrings
have gone.
Needless to say, these things are frivilous.
It is snowing in Seattle, really snowing!
It has been freezing temperatures for the past week,
laying way for the incoming snow.
It has snowed numerous times, actually accumulating.
This just doesn't happen (normally) in Seattle.
Usually it snows, then the next day temperatures rise
and the inclement rain proceeds to eradicate any evidence
that it actually snowed.
So it was most amazing and unexpected when on Thursday morning,
I learned my office would be closed. Later on Thursday, the powers
that be also proclaimed the office would be closed on Friday.
I can't tell you what a breath of fresh air this is to my soul.
Some might call me lazy, because with this time off, it seemed the perfect
excuse to do nothing...to not even think.
Amazing it is, that I can actually lay in bed for hours, content, just letting
my brain download and think nonsense thoughts.
This is precisely what I have done. I have been gifted with a pre- holiday that could not have come at a better time.
My bones tell me, that I needed a break from my life.
The snow itself, has been an unexpected blessing.
I see now, that my lifestyle is not sustainable, some things have got to change
If I want to have the energy to do the important things in life.
The snow, which has caused life to halt, even if temporarily, has shown me
that I wait for things or I create pockets of time (vacation) where I really breathe in life.
The rest of the time, I am surviving, somewhat soulless, albeit, aspirational.
This is no way to live life now, with so much future ahead.
I for one, am glad that the snow brings Seattle to a halt, a reminder to just stop is
much appreciated. Thank you Seattle, for not being able to respond to the snow
very well, Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Same cycle, larger circle
I don't know why I think I am so different from everyone else, but I do.
Life is getting way to superficial for me right now.
I am fantasizing about talking about the words that choke me to someone.
I swear, if I could just say this, maybe it will be out of me, maybe it will just let go of its' hold.
I am choked by my own tears.
Fear that drives my every move.
I have deceived myself, to think otherwise.
Comfort is deceiving. It lets me stay in this place
where I am never really challenged, except in a safe and comfortable way.
I am never challenged, there is not the "selective disadvantage" that spurs
me to push back on life, on myself.
Jay says he does not question himself, he doesn't do that.
That is a fundamental difference between he and I, I don't have such confidence.
What have I ever done, that I can take pride in.
Where have I ever claimed and goal and accomplished it.
Life has popped by and now, I am so aware, so aware that time is precious.
It is so precious that every week that goes by, every day, I am pained by my
place in the world.
Troubled, troubled is my mind and my soul.
I come back to the most tender, vulnerable, angry place that is me.
I can't speak to anyone, I have only tears for these years that I have fought for nothing.
Twelve years of an eating disorder and four knee surgeries later, I have amounted to work.
All my hard work to overcome has just been to get me to a place of normalcy.
And now I have to face my real inadequacy's.
Things that seem insurmountable,
they are deep rooted disability's that slap me in my face
and tell me I can't....and I believe them.
Why wouldn't I, I have never disproved the theory,
I have not yet run the race.
My journey is one of solitude, I walk alone in this world.
Why do I feel so alone, though I have friends, they are scattered.
I feel so alone and only more so when the darkness beckons and winter lengthens these nights.
Of course the lens stops here, I don't offer hope from here,
I know not of it.
That is how I feel, deep deep down, nearly every day now,
no hope, what is there to look forward to, I do not know.
This is the circle enlarged, I am lost and the map of lostness is the same as before, a little more sophisticated, a little more deceiving.
This is the circle.
Life is getting way to superficial for me right now.
I am fantasizing about talking about the words that choke me to someone.
I swear, if I could just say this, maybe it will be out of me, maybe it will just let go of its' hold.
I am choked by my own tears.
Fear that drives my every move.
I have deceived myself, to think otherwise.
Comfort is deceiving. It lets me stay in this place
where I am never really challenged, except in a safe and comfortable way.
I am never challenged, there is not the "selective disadvantage" that spurs
me to push back on life, on myself.
Jay says he does not question himself, he doesn't do that.
That is a fundamental difference between he and I, I don't have such confidence.
What have I ever done, that I can take pride in.
Where have I ever claimed and goal and accomplished it.
Life has popped by and now, I am so aware, so aware that time is precious.
It is so precious that every week that goes by, every day, I am pained by my
place in the world.
Troubled, troubled is my mind and my soul.
I come back to the most tender, vulnerable, angry place that is me.
I can't speak to anyone, I have only tears for these years that I have fought for nothing.
Twelve years of an eating disorder and four knee surgeries later, I have amounted to work.
All my hard work to overcome has just been to get me to a place of normalcy.
And now I have to face my real inadequacy's.
Things that seem insurmountable,
they are deep rooted disability's that slap me in my face
and tell me I can't....and I believe them.
Why wouldn't I, I have never disproved the theory,
I have not yet run the race.
My journey is one of solitude, I walk alone in this world.
Why do I feel so alone, though I have friends, they are scattered.
I feel so alone and only more so when the darkness beckons and winter lengthens these nights.
Of course the lens stops here, I don't offer hope from here,
I know not of it.
That is how I feel, deep deep down, nearly every day now,
no hope, what is there to look forward to, I do not know.
This is the circle enlarged, I am lost and the map of lostness is the same as before, a little more sophisticated, a little more deceiving.
This is the circle.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
I still haven't found, what I'm looking for
Ok, to be fair, I have come to full terms that I am in fact picky.
I try things, to be fair....but this blog goes out to all the children out there!
I think is it vastly important to expose kids to all different kinds of food, it is a gift really, but if a kid doesn't like something for a good reason, key word being good, then remember that they have a unique set of taste buds too!
I for one, am a huge texture eater, so even if flavor is good but the texture feels all wrong, I just can't go there.
Furthermore, I have this thing for balancing flavors. If the balance is off, I can taste, feel, sense it.
Sometimes it is not too bad, so I can handle it, other times, like recently over an Italian meal at Scalo in Albuquerque, I could only eat three bits of my risotto.
I love risotto, but this dish was too salty, had too many flavors, and was too rich...what is up with that! I should have just ordered the pizza in the end.
Anyhow, all this is to say, I have been looking for the perfect ginger-ale for many years.
Some are good, but in the end, too sweet, do we really need to consume 30-40 grams of sugar while enjoying a favorite drink, I think not. Others totally lack the full profile of ginger, afterall, it is intensely aromatic, a little sweet at first, but then spicy ending with a huge kick.
So my experimentation start his weekend for the real quest of making the perfect ginger-ale.
My beverage journey only starts there.
My have we bastardized Masala Chai! Too sweet, not spicy enough, missing the pepper kick, eeegghhhh. Balance ratio is key, but lets' let the true flavors of the ingredients be known.
Here's to having a kitchen!
Let the drinking begin.
I try things, to be fair....but this blog goes out to all the children out there!
I think is it vastly important to expose kids to all different kinds of food, it is a gift really, but if a kid doesn't like something for a good reason, key word being good, then remember that they have a unique set of taste buds too!
I for one, am a huge texture eater, so even if flavor is good but the texture feels all wrong, I just can't go there.
Furthermore, I have this thing for balancing flavors. If the balance is off, I can taste, feel, sense it.
Sometimes it is not too bad, so I can handle it, other times, like recently over an Italian meal at Scalo in Albuquerque, I could only eat three bits of my risotto.
I love risotto, but this dish was too salty, had too many flavors, and was too rich...what is up with that! I should have just ordered the pizza in the end.
Anyhow, all this is to say, I have been looking for the perfect ginger-ale for many years.
Some are good, but in the end, too sweet, do we really need to consume 30-40 grams of sugar while enjoying a favorite drink, I think not. Others totally lack the full profile of ginger, afterall, it is intensely aromatic, a little sweet at first, but then spicy ending with a huge kick.
So my experimentation start his weekend for the real quest of making the perfect ginger-ale.
My beverage journey only starts there.
My have we bastardized Masala Chai! Too sweet, not spicy enough, missing the pepper kick, eeegghhhh. Balance ratio is key, but lets' let the true flavors of the ingredients be known.
Here's to having a kitchen!
Let the drinking begin.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Yoga as Base
I am so lost, I don't even know how to find myself...
Where stillness and silence is needed, I find compulsivness and movement.
Where sypmathy and understanding are desired, I am silenced by myself.
It comes to this, time and again...missed opportunity, to experience release in relationship.
The effort to release always comes a day late and a dollar short.
Once again, I find I evade myone self...right now, yoga is the only thing that brings me back to myself, to some sort of footing, where at least, I can start facing myself again.
Life became somewhat uncontrollable recently and then, my mental faculties began to spin out in me.
On the heels, of touching the sweet spot of a tender bloom, I walk on the verge of my dark abyss.
Where I was able to finally, finally taste life, like for the first time, I delve myself into the darkness of me. The darkness that overtook me for years, years on end.
So short of a time, have I experienced my own inner light, that to play with fire again, is not only deadly, but cruel.
To even find words again, is like honoring a return, for which I did not even know why, the desire had left.
And that is life my friends. When you are so in it, that you cannot even see how you are losing yourself, until you are engulfed in someone else's life. And when you are not to them, as they are to you, and your world seems small and vunerable, based on every move they make.
This is life. When you finally stop editting yourself; every word, every move, and you just live. You fall painfully in love, to someone who will never quite love you. Or you invest so much in someone, you habitually fall into some sort of love habituation with them, that you lose yourself there too.
Why, when someone brings light into your life, laughter, appreciation, and invigoration, why then, must they also be the keepers of gloom, anger, exhaustion?
Why can't I be the one, who is in control of me, no matter where I am in relationship with someone deeply.
I have spent my whole life, seeking out relationships that would be protective and mutual. I have done pretty well.
Little have I cared too deeply for someone, to have them turn me away.
I see why, though, I see why.
It is not because I don't want to risk in relationship, it is because I only know to risk too much and the pain is so great.
I will not say it is better not to risk. I will only say, I wish I knew how not to lose myself in the risk of giving and wanting.
Without any further anylization of my own thought, this is where I stand, this is what I think . I hope to find a way into honest and deep relationship, knowing how to keep myself near.
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